9 Rules for Parents Interested in Dating After Divorce - Detroit and Ann Arbor Metro Parent
Jan 17, Have you ever heard a song on the radio for the first time and really hated it, but a month later you find yourself at The mere exposure effect has to do with a concept called fluency. Stay up-to-date by subscribing here. Marriage and Intimate Relationships. Attraction. Beauty. Personality. Mere- Exposure Effect. Matching Phenomenon. Dating. First Date. Casual Dating. Serious. Multiple Choice Quiz. The need to belong and to form close interpersonal relationships The mere-exposure effect provides one possible explanation for.
Could simply being exposed to the song a couple times, or seeing Uggs boots more than once really change your attitude toward them? Psychologists have found that attitudes towards an object can be changed through persuasive messages. However, they have also found more subtle ways that our attitudes can be changed. Specifically, our attitudes can be changed simply by repeated exposure to an object. Our attitudes about an object are generally positive or negative.
However, mere exposure repeated prior exposure to an object can lead to more liking, and thus a more positive attitude toward the object. The mere exposure effect has to do with a concept called fluency. Psychologists refer to fluency as the ease of processing information. People tend to agree with or believe information that is easier to read visually or easier to understand.
Repeated exposure makes the attitude object easier to process. This process explains why you like that song more after it has been overplayed on the radio for a week. Mere Exposure and Liking InRobert Zajonc showed that people like a stimulus object more after repeated exposure. Those participants who were matched in attitudes toward gender roles and sexual behavior had the most lasting relationships, one year and even 15 years later.
As mentioned above similarity is a potent variable in friendship and mate selection. What are some of the mechanisms that produce this effect? If the issue is important only those with the same or similar values are acceptable. So attraction is selective and we rarely encounter those whose views are different.
In relationships where the participant committed to someone with different values, or where the parties successfully hide their views, similarity could still be the outcome. Social influence may also change our views over time and produce more similarity. We find pleasure in our relationships with similar others because they confirm our beliefs and the value of our person.
When we meet with likeminded people, they validate our inner most values and expressed attitudes. The rest of the world may cast doubt on our beliefs, and may question who we are as persons, but the likeminded validate our ideologies and personal achievements.
Similarity allows for functional relationships and for more effective communication. When we are with those who are similar, communication is effortless, since we do not have to be on guard for disagreement or rejection. People meet likeminded people at Church, or those with similar occupational interests at work. In many cases the apparent similarity is caused by the selectivity of our social environment. A politically progressive person does not attend meetings of the Ku Klux Klan a racist group in order to find a soul mate.
We choose our friends from our social environment. Being in the same environment produces shared experiences and memories that serve to bond people. We perceive similarity and from that conclude that the other person will like us, thereby initiating communication Berscheid, As a result of having a common basis, similarity in personality traits provides for smooth communications and interactions between people, therefore similarity is less costly.
In one study a young woman expressed an interest in a male participant by eye contact, listening with rapt attention, and leaning forward with interest. When we come to believe someone likes us we behave in ways that encourage mutual liking.
We express more warmth, and are more likely to disclose, and behave in a pleasant way. So liking someone works like a self-fulfilling prophecy. In some societies voluptuous women are considered beautiful, while in our society the fashion industry and the media define attractiveness as being thin.
When it comes to personality based characteristics two factors lead to liking. Warm people are those who have an optimistic outlook on life and people. We like them because they are a source of encouragement in an otherwise discouraging world. Warm people are a pleasure to be around and therefore rewarding. Sometimes the interviewees expressed negativity toward these objects, in other cases positive views. The participants expressed a greater liking for the interviewee who expressed positive views, i.
Social intelligence can be demonstrated by being a good conversationalist. Obviously communication skills are essential to long-lasting relationships. Those with high communication skills saw interactions as complex with highly valued psychological components. People with low skill levels saw communications as more straightforward and less complicated.
To communicate at the same level is a very important aspect of attraction and liking. Operating at the same skill level is rewarding, as we feel empathy and understanding. But are we not also told that opposites attract? Do tall dark men not prefer short attractive blonds? What about the assertive person meeting the less dominant individual? Or the person who has a rich fantasy life marrying the realist? Are there not times when opposites attract because in some ways we complement each other?
Certainly, for sexual relations the vast majority of humankind seeks the opposite sex, only a minority is attracted to similarity. The masculine and feminine is the supreme example from nature that opposites attract. Complementary personality traits produce liking for only a few personality traits Levinger, ; Winch, When complementarities lead to attraction, it appears to be a rare exception to the dominant effect of similarity. Even in cases where personalities are complementary on some traits, they have many more similar traits in common.
Interracial couples are similar in other significant ways, in attitudes and values. The dissimilarity is, however, more prominent and is judged more prominently by society which affects an individual evaluation of the dissimilarity.
But the significance of similarity in interethnic friendships is less important today than in former times. Attitudes toward interracial relationships and marriage are becoming increasingly accepted in society, and interracial marriages are on the increase. The vast majority of all racial groups in the US approve of interracial marriages today Goodheart, The studies which support interracial tolerance in intimate relationships appear to differ with the public opinion survey to be cited in chapter 9 which indicated parents prefer similarity of race for their daughters.
The conclusion of the public opinion survey was that social norms now favor such relationships. However, when the respondents were asked something more personal namely, how would they feel if their daughter would be part of an interracial marriage, the outcome was slightly different.
The respondents preferred that their daughter not be a part of an interracial relationship. People are willing to give the normative correct responses to surveys, but hold private and subtler negative attitudes when it affects members of their own family.
It must be said, however, that negative evaluations of interracial relationships occur before a relationship is established. Once an interracial relationship is a fact, many opinions change in favor of family harmony and acceptance. A recommendation for success!
Physical attraction is a powerful determinant of liking and has lifelong benefits. Attend any social event and who do you first notice? If you are a heterosexual man, you will first notice the attractive women, and if you are a woman your eyes will feast on the handsome men.
As we shall see there are little differences between the sexes in the appeal of physical attractiveness. First impressions are important, as without these few people would initiate contact. So while physical attractiveness is important in the early phases of a relationship, the benefits continue in a variety of ways. There may even be a biological basis as preferences for attractive appearance occur early in life. Physical development sometimes brings beauty later in life Zebrowitz, The students had previously taken a number of personality measures and aptitude tests.
Participants had also been rated independently on physical attractiveness. Having spent a short time dancing and talking, the couples were asked to indicate liking and desire to meet the person again. However, in this study there were no differences as female as well as males expressed preferences for physical attractiveness.
The contradictions are easy to explain when we remember the different norms governing the attractiveness issue for men and women. Men are more likely to respond to the common and accepted stereotype that physical attractiveness is important for men, whereas women respond to their stereotype that other traits matter.
But in actual behavioral preferences there are few differences. The two photos were used to elicit the physical attractiveness or unattractiveness stereotype. The respondents in both the attractive and unattractive conditions spoke to the same person. In the new age of video dating, participants show strong preferences for attractive potential dates Woll, Are those who seek out video dating more shallow?
Have they impossible high standards encouraged by Playboy and Glamour magazine? Perhaps, but attractiveness continues to be a positive trait across many forms of social interactions. Studies have also demonstrated direct effects in the workplace.
In the committed partnership women recognize also the importance of other traits like integrity, income potential, and stability.
They are therefore more willing to marry a partner who is less than perfect in physical appearance. Perhaps for similar reasons women also prefer older partners, whereas men have a preference for youthful women.
For men physical attractiveness is a necessity, whereas for women, while still important, it is more like a luxury. So there are some consistent gender differences. Evolutionary psychology would assert that gender differences exist because they are functional to the survival of the species. Women invest much effort and time in bringing a child into the world.
To be successful in reproduction requires that women have stable partners with adequate economic and other resources. In the days of the caveman that meant a good cave, warm fire, and ability to provide game. In our day women look for good earning potential. Men on the other hand invest little, and can impregnate several females. For men therefore the key factor is physical attractiveness. In our evolutionary history men learned that youth and attractiveness is more sexually arousing, and incidentally these qualities in women are associated with fertility and health — men are not looking for fertility and health in the first place, but for good sex.
Men have throughout history been the providers and builders of material comfort; women have been the homemakers. Men in many Western countries now think it is a good idea that women earn money, and both sexes place more importance on physical attractiveness. So perhaps physical attractiveness was always important for women also, but confounded by the need for socio-economic support.
Heterosexual men and women differ however, in the burden of bringing children into the world, and looking after their babies during the most vulnerable period. This gender difference would suggest that women would be more selective in their choices, as they have more at stake. In all societies studied men are more promiscuous, and women exercise more care in selecting partners, especially for long term relationships Schmitt, Men are attracted to fertility and physical qualities that happen to be associated with fertility, and therefore toward feminine features signaling youth Singh, Women on the other hand, with a shorter biological clock, intuitively look for men who have the capacity and desire to invest in their children, and have a good economic future.
In fact this difference can be observed weekly in the personal ads that appear in many local papers. Support for this gender difference was found cross-culturally in a study of 37 different societies Buss, In all cultures men rated physical attractiveness as more important in a mate, and they preferred younger partners.
Women on the other hand preferred partners who were older, and who could provide material resources. However, these recent changes have not removed fully the historical gender preferences.How to Find Love After 40 - Dating After Divorce #AskAdam
Men still rank good looks and health higher than women, and women rank the financial prospects of potential mates higher than men.
These results call for an interactionist point of view. Gender differences are a function of both our evolutionary past, and our socio-cultural heritage, and it is unlikely we can separate one from the other. What we believe about the physical attractive All cultures have stereotypes that attribute positive qualities to the physically attractive.
Even young children at a very early age have an awareness of who is and is not attractive. Commonly accepted stereotypes attribute many positive traits and behaviors to the physically attractive. Persons rated attractive were perceived to be happier, more intelligent, as having more socio-economic success, and possessing desirable personality traits.
This undeserved stereotype is consistent across cultures but varies according to cultural values. For women more than for men, physical attractiveness is a door opener.
9 Rules for Parents Interested in Dating After Divorce
Over the centuries, physical attractiveness for women was tied to their survival, and social success. Some studies show that even from birth babies differ in their relative attractiveness.
Many rewards accrue to those deemed attractive in our society. Infant preferences for attractive faces held true for both adults as well as for the faces of other infants.
Even when presented to strangers, the infants showed preference for the attractive face, and were more content to play and interact with the attractive stranger. Being treated so nice from birth onward produces the confidence and traits that encourage further positive interactions and rewards Langlois et al, Other people by their positive regards create a self-fulfilling prophecy as the attractive person responds with the expected socially skillful behavior.
Although beauty is a door opener in all cultures, each culture may vary as to what traits are considered desirable.
Some traits associated with attractiveness like being strong and assertive are especially valued in North American samples.
Proximity and the Mere Exposure Effect in Social Psychology
Other traits such as being sensitive, honest, and generous are valued in Korean cultures. Some traits like happy, poised, extraverted, and sexually warm and responsive are liked in all the cultures studied. When with an attractive woman the confederate was perceived as both likeable and confident. There are predictable gender differences. Reproductive health There are some variations among cultures as to what is considered attractive. Western society has changed over time in evaluation of female beauty.
Like mentioned before, just a short historical time ago voluptuous women were considered attractive whereas today the skinny woman is considered more alluring. In the China of the past, artificially bound small feet of women were thought sexually stimulating and in other cultures women lengthened their necks by adding rings and stretching that body part. So there are cultural variations in what is considered beautiful and attractive.
As discussed previously, even infants have a preference for attractive faces. The appreciation of beauty must derive from something very functional to our survival and hence to reproduction.
Physical attractiveness most importantly signifies good health, and reproductive fitness. Keep in mind that those traits that are functional to our survival are also preserved in biology and our genes.
If our ancestors had been attracted to unhealthy persons, they would not have had any offspring. Nature informs us by physical attractiveness that the proposed partner possesses good reproductive health.
We are attracted to faces that typify the norm, and stay away from those that are anomalous. By means of computer technology, they managed to make composite faces of a number of persons or average facesand found that these were considered more attractive than different individual faces. Having average features is one component of beauty.
Departures from bilateral symmetry may indicate the presence of disease, or the inability to resist disease. Average features and symmetry are attractive, from the evolutionary perspective, conceivably because they signal good health to a prospective mate. These cues exist at such a basic level that we have no conscious awareness of their presence.
We just know what is attractive to us, and approach the other person depending on that quality, and our own level of attractiveness. These accounts were then categorized for the presence or absence of the attraction variables. For those describing falling in love, reciprocal liking and attractiveness were mentioned with high frequency. To start a relationship many of us just wait to see if an attractive person makes a move that we can interpret as liking. Reciprocal liking and attractiveness in several meanings are also associated with the formation of friendships.
Although this holds true for both genders, conversation appears as one additional important quality for females. Women find quality conversation of greater importance than do men in friendship attraction Duck, a; Fehr, Similarity and proximity, on the other hand, were mentioned with lower frequency. Perhaps these variables seem obvious and therefore do not become part of our memory or consciousness.
Similarity and proximity may still play very important roles in interpersonal attraction. They respectively focus attention on those deemed eligible and of interest, and on opportunities for encounters. People seek out mates at the approximate same level of attractiveness they possess Murstein, We tend to pair off with people who are rated similar in attractiveness whether for dating or for long-term relationships Feingold, Similarity in physical attractiveness affects relationship satisfaction White, Those similar in physical attractiveness fall in love.
What is an equitable match in the market place of relationships? If one partner is less attractive perhaps he has compensating qualities like being rich. The dating market is a social market place where potential friends or mates sell compensating qualities. Since the market place dominates our psychology perhaps that explains also why beautiful women seek compensation if they are to consider a less attractive man.
Beautiful women tend to marry higher in social status Elder, In the long run market place psychology may also be responsible for our incredible divorce rates. If the exchange of relationship qualities is not satisfactory why not just look for something better? When relationships are based on exchange, and qualities like physical attractiveness deteriorate over the lifespan, no wonder that many become dissatisfied and consider their alternatives.
Theories of Interpersonal attraction In some societies the market place seems to determine all aspects of culture and interpersonal interactions. It is no wonder then that theories of interpersonal attraction emphasize qualities important in the market place: All relationships involve interdependence and we have the power to influence outcomes and satisfaction. In chapter1 we briefly discussed the following theories. Now it is time to see their application to interpersonal attraction. Why is it rewarding to be with people who are similar?
Similar people validate our self-concept, and that is experienced as rewarding. What are the rewarding aspects of propinquity? If a potential friend lives next door, we do not have to make much of an effort to meet him or her, and that is experienced as rewarding.
Is physical attractiveness rewarding? Physical attractiveness brings status to the partner, and that is rewarding. What about reciprocal liking? That can be experienced as validating our self-concept and our sense of worthiness. According to the economic perspective of social exchange theory people feel positive or negative toward their relationships depending on costs and benefits. All relationships involve rewards as well as costs, and relationship outcomes are defined as the rewards minus the costs.
The partner may bring comfort, sexual excitement, support in bad times, someone to share information, someone to learn from, all possible rewards. However, the partnership also has costs. The partner might be arrogant, a poor provider, unfaithful, and have different values.
These are the potential costs. Social exchange theory proposes that we calculate these rewards and costs consciously or at the subliminal level. Relationship satisfaction in social exchange theory depends on one additional variable: What do you expect to be the outcome of your current relationship based on your past experiences in other relationships?
If you were married to a fantastic man who died you will always have high expectations when meeting potential new partners. On the other hand, at work you have experienced successive poor managers. In transferring to a new department you are pleasantly surprised by an ordinary supervisor, as all your previous work relationships have been negative.
Dating Myths Interview With the Love Doctor | LoveToKnow
It's a nice choice for people who are a little shyer and introverted, because you can sit at home and not have to go and meet twenty people in person. If you're recently divorced, not sure of what dating entails, it's a nice easy way to get back into the dating world.
If you have children, you don't even have to get a babysitter.
I do encourage people to be safe, to meet in a public spot for the first several dates, and never give out information about where you live. You do have to remember that people aren't always honest, and that relationships develop faster online. Once you're aware of the safety tips, it can be a very good way to meet. A lot of people complain about lousy first dates. If a first date isn't great, should the person get another chance?
Well, I agree that you can know if you're lusting after a person in the first few seconds! And you can tell if the chemistry is totally lacking. But studies show it's almost impossible to make a sound decision about someone on a first date. If you're looking for a relationship which has chemistry and emotional compatibility, it takes a few times. We all have our insecurities about being evaluated immediately.
It might be about your nose, or what you eat, or the first thing you say to someone, or your sense of humor. So people are anxious and nervous, and often you don't see the real person on the first date. It usually takes a while for people to unfold. Aren't you supposed to tell all about yourself, though? Isn't that what first dates are for? A lot of people think you should disclose your history right away on the first date.
But there are plenty of studies about what happens when you disclose too much early on. Instead of making the other person feel closer to you, it actually makes them feel less trusting. It makes them uncomfortable, and they withdraw. I tell people that on a first date, you should not discuss your ex-spouse, your past relationships, or why your marriage did not work. I encourage people not to go into their legal woes, their money problems, their custody battles on the first date.
You want to disclose things like that gradually, over time. It will make people want to know you more. If somebody asks you a question about those things, be honest, but be as brief and as neutral as possible. Nobody likes to hear about the negative things, or how you're bitter. They like to hear about the attractive things.