Sep 22, “What I did not expect was to be fresh meat when I walked into AA began dating a man with nine months sobriety within her first weeks at AA. Jan 23, I think dating in the rooms of AA is not unlike hooking up in prison. There is a limited supply of broken people and we recycle each other. Oct 12, The Fix tells the story of a eight-year-sober year old man who, on the advice of his AA sponsor, “religiously avoided dating” for six months.
Part of the draw comes from the feeling of relapsing without actually doing it; a psyche that is still too strongly tempted by addiction can rationalize anything, including staying with a partner or multiple partners who are using drugs.
A person in recovery can still well remember the tension and drama of a relationship affected by substance abuse. For all the arguing and threats of breaking up, there was an edge, a thrill of being in that kind of arrangement. That feeling can be a drug in and of itself, one that is not found in sober life and especially not in sober relationships. For once, the attention — whether positive or negative — is on the other person. The person in recovery can vicariously enjoy all the good and bad that comes with that territory, without a single drink having to be consumed.
Top of Page Risking Codependency It is because of reasons like these that people should not only avoid entering into relationships in the first stretch of their sobriety, but they should also stay away from places and events that may prove to be too much of a challenge like bars, nightclubs, certain parties and sports events, etc.
People in recovery need to take their recovery seriously, and that means not becoming obsessed with the idea of finding a partner at any cost. As an additional layer of protection, a person in recovery should also not date other people in recovery.
The idea of fellow program members combining their sensitivities and weaknesses is fraught with danger. For anyone going through treatment, relapse is always a possibility.
Being involved with someone for whom that possibility also exists greatly increases the chance of the two people falling back into the same habits — only this time, together. After the inevitable relapses, she recommitted herself to her treatment program.
- Guide to Sober Dating
- Exception to the Rule: When AA and Romance Do Mix
Her experiences and her treatment taught her that a partner who could respect and support her sobriety would also respect and support her as a romantic partner.
Whether repairing the bridge to a spouse or romantic partner, or forging ahead with a new person, a sober person has to give the relationship a chance to develop.
This may mean putting off intimacy for a long period of time until the partner has made a clear commitment to the relationship, and both parties are on the same wavelength; this may mean a lot of dates and meetings where there is minimal physical contact. The point is that sobriety has to be established as a priority from the outset. As the people speaking to The Fix can attest, damage will inevitably be done if a relationship based on an unhealthy foundation is allowed to continue.
Dating without drinking entails accepting that even as other parts of life look better in recovery, the quest to find love or companionship, as applicable can still be a long, occasionally ugly activity. It is made even harder by the ubiquitous presence of alcohol in American life.
'I was fresh meat': how AA meetings push some women into harmful dating
Happy hour, dinner with wine, and nightcaps are frequent enough on their own, and even more so when love and sex are considered. Such is the pervasiveness of the presence of alcohol that deliberately steering clear of alcohol on dates might send wrong messages about intentions and interests. A person in recovery has to look for the fun and excitement in dating while dutifully avoiding any temptations and, in the process, eschewing a rite of passage that millions of people take for granted.
Most people think nothing of stopping after a glass or two of wine, or warming up the night with a draft beer. When they hear that a person cannot drink, that can change the entire tone of the conversation. Writing in The Fix, a sober woman confesses that a man she started dating expressed his disappointment that they could never share a glass of wine as a couple. For abstinent people, this can be especially disappointing.
Their sobriety is an achievement, a successful overturning of years of alcoholic behavior. They had to sacrifice a great deal to become healthy again. The woman decided to keep seeing her partner, but they broke up a few weeks after that conversation. In conclusion, the woman writes that her sobriety has helped her regain control of her life and her mind, but it has made her romantic life much harder than it used to be. Sobriety is great for health, but bad for dating.
In the early stages of any relationship, the people involved struggle to find the right balance that works for both of them. For a couple where one party carries with them the specter of substance abuse, that balance can seem wildly off, especially when the people involved are still getting to know one another.
Unless the topic has been broached, avoiding alcohol can be misinterpreted as a sign of only mild interest, with no intention of raising the stakes. Communication in the nascent stage of dating is never easy, especially when both parties bring their own insecurities and doubts to the table.
The Salon writer ruminates on how, when he and a potential date were not clicking, he longed for the feeling of having alcohol in his system, the freedom and the energy it provided to get through moments of awkward silence. Even for all the trouble their drinking caused, they never had problems meeting other people.
For a drinker, alcohol makes people feel more interesting, says the Salon writer.
Exception to the Rule: When AA and Romance Do Mix
Take that out of the equation, and dating when sober can seem confusing, frustrating, and even boring by comparison. Top of Page Couples in Therapy Vice Magazine conducted interviews with two couples on how difficult sober dating and relationships can be.
In both couples, one person is a recovering drinker, and their respective partner drinks a lot. This could endanger my sobriety.
Sober Dating at Single & Sober | Find Sober Singles in Your Area
Then I met Greg. He will be mine. He will be mine, I thought. He was wearing a suit in the middle of summer, and his presence commanded the room. His shares were eloquent and he had an easy serenity.
Plus, he was hot! I had about three years sober then, and he had considerably more time. After a few months of liking him from afar, we started talking on Facebook. We shyly danced near each other. Afterwards I headed back to my neighborhood with friends, and ended up at the hour Alcathon at a local clubhouse. Greg was there too. He asked me out two days later. Just days earlier, I had completed my Fourth Step a written inventory of all the people I harmed with my drinking. I was struck by how much my idea of the perfect guy had changed.
Before sobriety, I was always seeking a partner who could party like I could… But my sober list included traits such as honesty, respect and kindness.【港實測】邊個國家約會係AA制? Who Pay For the Meal On the First Dating?
Before sobriety, I was always seeking a partner who could party like I could. I wanted the Sid to my Nancy. But my sober list included traits such as: As well as the usual things people want, like intellect and a sense of humor. To my surprise, one of the attributes that emerged was affectionate. Also adventurous and sober. I wanted to date someone who was committed to becoming a better person, and passionate about their chosen career or vision.