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Spoiler alert: dating is hard, and online dating is certainly no exception. Read These 10 Books While You're On A Swiping Hiatus . The book traces the history of unmarried and late-married women in America who, through. As a dating expert, I've read my share of dating books – the good, online dating , speed-dating, and every other modern dating tool we have. I have a great love for how the mind works in general, but fascinated by the dating mind of both men and women. There are so many best dating books for.
The defensive allies were rich in performative feminism, but dirt poor in empathy and uninterested in holding themselves accountable as even slightly less than perfect. While none of them called me names, they were quick to assume that I had made a truly despicable value judgement of them based on my one criterion.
They would guffaw and list the women whose words they loved, and the work they had done to support women in the past, but they never even tried to answer the question of why none of those women merited a mention in their dating profile. They did, however, have a different kind of defense, quickly citing the historical reasons why. I was told with surprising frequency that there are just much fewer books by women historically.
This is factually questionable, although there are certainly fewer in the canon — but there are still plenty to read if only one deigns to. Most often, though, I dealt with the favorites purists — the men who certainly enjoyed books by women, but not enough to have them rank in their top faves. They would explain that they only listed books they had read more than once, authors whose work they had truly pored over, the brilliant minds behind the worn paperbacks they shoved into their messenger bags.
One self-proclaimed avid reader listed just shy of 40 books and authors but failed to see that maybe he had some self-reflecting to do if no women made the cut.
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The favorites purists often seemed horrified at my suggestion that they sneak a woman into the top 40; they saw meddling with their immutable list of faves as disingenuous at best, deceitful at worst.
Beyond a deeper psychological unpacking of why no woman had spoken to these men the same way that Raymond Carver or Philip K. Dick or Don Delillo, this obsession with the genuine felt misguided and maybe even reductive.
Dating is an exercise in self-presentation, as much as self-expression. These guys probably chose flattering photos, highlighted cool hobbies, failed to mention disgusting habits, and wore their least holey underwear on early dates.
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So if they really did love a bunch of books by women, as they claimed defensively when I asked, why were they so shy to include them in a forum where they are explicitly trying to impress and attract women? While girls are often shown from an early age that the way to impress a boy is to like boy things, boys are just as often shown from an early age that the way to impress a girl is to…also like boy things.
One defensive guy asked me if I would rather be with someone who lists their genuine favorites, or with someone who uses some pick-up artist signalling tactic to list books by women just to get laid. I choose a man who truly loves a book — just one book!
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Only one of the men I messaged with on OKCupid asked for recommendations of more books by women, and the last time I checked, none of the men had updated their profile to list any of the women authors they rattled off to me in direct messages. For these men, the best version of themselves is still all about what they think of themselves first and foremost. Even when presented with the fact in explicit terms, these guys struggle to comprehend that attracting a woman like me — smart, creative, educated, legendarily gassy — might include announcing that they admire women like me.
Part of me imagined witty and flirtatious sparring leading to a mutual understanding and a steamy intellectual first date. I did not find my Mr. Darcy a reference from a book by a woman!!!!
I did, however, have a few promising conversations with men who did list women writers in their profile. Bear in mind that you'll want most of the features activated, and that some sites can be expensive.
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Go shopping For the most part, dating sites aren't doing anything particularly mysterious. Sites mostly create taxonomies and match users based on their answers. In some cases, sites look at the gap between users' answers and their behaviours. For example, you might say that you prefer a very tall man with dark hair who is religious, but mainly click on profiles for shorter atheists.
The algorithm in that case would try to match you according to your behaviour. But maybe you're clicking on all of the profiles, even those that don't match your preferences, or sitting next to your sister, and she's also looking for a boyfriend — one who's short and blond. In that case, the algorithm won't work either.
It's best to treat dating sites as giant databases for you to explore. Keep your profile short Long profiles typically didn't fare well in my experiment. I think that for thoughtful women, or women who are quite smart, there's a tendency to give more of a bio. Popular profiles were shorter and intriguing. Create a curiosity gap Ever wondered why Upworthy and Buzzfeed are so popular? It's because they're masters of the "curiosity gap".Online Dating: A Woman's Perspective
They offer just enough information to pique interest, which is exactly what you'd do when meeting someone in person for the first time. Don't try to be funny Most people aren't funny — at all — in print.
What you say to your friends at the pub after a few pints may get a lot of laughs, but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll translate on a dating site. The same goes for sarcasm. Often, people who think they sound clever instead come off as angry or mean.
Here's a good tip: Be selective It's good to give examples of your likes and dislikes, but bear in mind that you may inadvertently discourage someone by getting too specific about things that aren't ultimately that important.
I love Curb Your Enthusiasm.
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As it turns out, my husband particularly dislikes that show. If I'd have gone on and on about Larry David in my profile I wonder if he'd have responded. Use optimistic language In my experiment, I found that certain words "fun", "happy" made profiles more popular.
Talk about what excites you, or paint a picture of a really great day that you would want to be a part of. Would you date you? Market yourself Don't just reuse old photos or copy your profile from dating site to dating site. There are a lot of parallels between online dating and marketing: