I'm Dating A Widower And His Kids Don't Want Him To Be With Me
If you are dating or planning to marry a widow or widower, here are some A late spouse was most probably a very big part of your new partner's life and to get Daughters tend to cling to Dad and sons are big on being the man around the. She has failed to realize that as she matures, new rules and boundaries go along with that and her father seems ill equipped or reluctant to. Dating A Widower: I have been dating a widower for a little over a year now. Things were going along just fine, and his daughter came home for Most children don't see themselves ever wishing their parent to remarry so.
Watching the movie reminded me of one of the major conflicts which often face men who have lost their wives and then find happiness and purpose in their lives again in a new relationship. While one might expect that grown children would be happy that their Dad has started to move beyond his grief, surprisingly they often behave with animosity instead.
Why is this so? A number of reasons come to mind and all of them have to do with fear on the part of the children that they will lose something they hold dear.
It could be an inheritance, the love and affection of their father, or the role of feeling needed. Money and the Well-meaning Child. While money might not be the root of all evil, it is not at all uncommon for it to cause irrational behavior. Adult children may fear losing a portion or all of an inheritance. In this instance his children will be motivated by the fear of losing an inheritance that they think should be rightfully theirs. While children may believe that they are reacting in the best interests of their Dad, their fears can often blur sensible thinking and trigger strong emotions.
I know of a family where the widowed father became ill shortly following his remarriage. His new wife nursed him devotedly for 12 years until he passed away. From the moment they met her, his adult children were convinced she was only after his money. His will left her only a pittance, while most of his wealth went to his family.
Nevertheless, his children continued to maintain that she was only after his money!
The expression of concern will be more subtle than in the case where the fears are primarily based on financial loss. This is partly because it is difficult for the daughter to face her own need to maintain the ongoing relationship with Dad. Here are some examples. Taking care of a widowed father can be a full time job that might work for an unmarried daughter who might be content moving in with Dad to take care of his domestic needs.
A married daughter with a family is quite different. She can exhibit the strongest opposition to her father dating. The Sunday dinners or afternoon visits may go by the boards as well as the need for her weekly delivery of frozen dinners for his freezer. In one family I know, when their widowed father remarried and moved out of the area, his children were distraught.
I feel that although their feelings should definitely be taken into consideration about our relationship, he is the adult and it is ultimately up to him what he wants. He has told me he wants to be with me, and I believe him. Oh forgot about something. There is this woman who lost her husband a little over a year ago and has been corresponding with him she asked my permission and I said it was ok.
He has taken his kids to see this woman and have supper with her a few times and has told me every time that they were going over there. Well, he told me recently that his kids like her because she reminds them of their mom. I am having a really hard time with this. We are still together, but the relationship is tenuous at best.
I love him and his kids very much and really want this to work because on some level I believe God and his late wife brought us together. I have felt this from the very beginning. My kids are devastated because they also love them with all their hearts.
I would love any insight from those of you who have gone through this. Thanks so much for your help and guidance. My husband was also a widower of young children when we got together, however he did not feel the need to ask the children if it was okay to remarry.
When Adult Children Say, “Don’t!” – National Widowers' Organization
I understand his reluctance to make a decision that they are not ready for. Having said that, we should never make promises to our children that may be impossible to keep. Understanding, patience, sensitivity and even pacing things are sometimes necessary to help children come along. Also, remembering that they are on a different emotional timetable than we are and validating their feelings is essential.
Many couples who decide to pursue their relationship despite the lack of support from the children, show respect for where the children are at by letting them know that they understand that they will need some time to get used to the idea and that no one will be rushing them or expecting them to be as excited as the couple is about the new relationship.
However, it is usually a wise move and a fair move for the parent to let the children know that they are responsible for this final decision and that they alone will make it.
It is not possible for you to force your partner to see it this way however if you feel that this is the relationship for you and that you are not comfortable continuing in the way it has been going, then you need to let him know how you feel and what your wishes are for the future.
As far as this other woman is concerned, I would also say that is absolutely fair for you to know where things stand in this regard. It would be unfortunate for him to pursue a relationship with her just because she reminds them of their mother, but in either case, you have a right to know where things stand.
If anything, you can share with him that many people go through this situation and do decide to repartner or remarry and that the ones that have a greater likelihood for success are honest with their kids, are sensitive to their needs, but are also concerned and interested in pursuing a life that brings them some joy and fulfillment as well.
Tips for When Your Widowed Parent Begins to Date
Parents who try to go without just to give more to their children, often end up running out of anything to give so it is absolutely okay, if not essential to take care of our needs as adults which will in turn make us more capable of being there for and giving to our kids. For anyone considering entering a blended family, I usually recommend coaching to learn about the dynamics of stepfamilies or at least a few good books or other resources to help in this way.
Knowing what lies ahead of you and planning it together can save everyone a lot of pain and a lot of years of wondering what to do. You can check out my website for additonal information. The seriousness and long-term implications can be a bit intimidating; right now the emphasis is simply on enjoying each other and the comfort is there because of the long-term friendships.
I’m Dating A Widower And His Kids Don’t Want Him To Be With Anyone With Children
However, with possibility of a marriage, they begin to anticipate sharing their Dad with others in a family situation and this can be quite scary and overwhelming. Right now there are natural boundaries and it is much simpler but they know it can help but be different once you are all together. Also, letting them know that you both intend to take some time before taking that next big step will bring some relief. You will be a new family in some ways, but that will not mean that the families and the traditions that existed previously, will no longer be an important part of their lives.
Also, their Dad can do a great deal here to reassure them that they hold a special place in his life that no one can ever take the place of. They are scared of losing any sense of control, of losing him and the life that they had hoped for and invested in, especially after losing their mom.
I hope this is helpful and I will be happy to hear your update. I hope you find the following helpful.
It does seem that his children are still struggling a bit with the loss of their mother because they were drawn to this other woman because she reminded them of their mother. This seems like they are looking for a replacement rather than ready to really move forward. Your partner made a huge mistake in the promise he made his kids.
He gave them veto power rather than allowing their input.